[Karen Summers, Business Coach] In the workplace, there can be a number of different reasons why difficult conversations can arise. And I suppose it's a bit of a broad church, but the first one would be to say bad news. So basically anything, whether it be a change, whether that be work related or personal, that you think will land badly with the other person. So that, like I say, covers a multitude of sins. And then perhaps, more specifically, there might be things like inappropriate behavior that people might feel that they need to tiptoe around and maybe store up that difficult conversation. And possibly inappropriate performance as well. So something where somebody's performance is just not meeting the required standard and it's got to the point where somebody actually needs to intervene and say something about that.

[David Morgan, Mediation Specialist] Planning a difficult conversation is of paramount importance. Probably the most important aspect of the process will be clear planning in advance of going into that meeting. It could be a daunting situation, of course, for managers, particularly inexperienced managers, to go into. So planning with a clear objective for what the manager wishes to achieve going into that meeting. By no means prejudging, of course, what the outcome may be, in terms of what the individual that the manager is meeting with might come back and say. It's of paramount importance for that manager to prepare in advance of the line of questioning and indeed of, I suppose, of the objective, what they wish to gain from that meeting.

[Bonnie Clark, Director] For me, the number one step is preparation. I need to make sure that I know the full situation. I'm a great believer in preparing everything if at all possible. So I investigate before I accusate. And I think that that, for me, in preparing for a difficult conversation with anyone, is the key for a successful outcome.

[Karen Summers] When thinking about handling a difficult conversation, there are certain steps that you can go through. I don't want that to sound like it's a process kind of driven thing, 'cause I think the first step would very much be, put yourself in the other person's shoes. So really try to think about that other person. Think about what would they appreciate in terms of the way in which you deal with the conversation. If you've not done it before, perhaps you could get some support from somebody else. Role play it through with somebody in advance and perhaps you take the person that you're gonna be having the conversation with, you take their part, and ask somebody else to be you, because that really is a way of standing in their shoes. And it might just flash up something that you've not actually thought about before.

[Bonnie Clark] One of the other important things, when it comes to structuring a meeting, I really like to make sure that the person who's coming to that meeting and having that difficult conversation with me is really well aware of what they're actually coming into. I think that they ought to be prepared as well. And I think it's unfair for me to just launch into a conversation without any context.

[David Morgan] You do not wish to go into the meeting starting with effectively something off tangent. I think it's important to be focused upon what you wish to discuss with the individual and to remain focused on that objective. Planning in terms of that will be very important. And oftentimes what we will do in my role as an advisor, as an employment law advisor, is script the structure for a critical or a difficult conversation for a manager. And that therefore has a very clear structure to it in terms of the introduction, in terms of an explanation for the purpose of the meeting, and oftentimes the outcome.

[Karen Summers] There is a simple structure that I sometimes use. You might have come across it. It's called the AID model, A-I-D, where the A is for Action, the I is for Impact, and the D is for Do Differently. So, if we take an example of using that model, we might be having the conversation and I say to you, "When your mobile phone beeps through the day, actually, I find that quite distracting. So going forward, could we agree that you put it onto silent and perhaps just check it at coffee time or over lunch break rather than continuously through the day?"

[David Morgan] When it comes to tears, when it comes to an individual who cries, which is often quite likely in terms of the difficult nature of the dialogue, whether that's a dismissal situation or whether that's giving some very bad news about one's performance, I think it's very important for the manager to show empathy, to take some time to take stock. And to listen frankly, as well as to take some time to hear the other side. And maybe even to put themselves in the shoes of the recipient of the message that they are giving.

[Karen Summers] Emotions in a conversation. Yeah, often people would worry about that big time in advance. I think one of the things I would say is name it. If it happens, actually talk about it. Don't ignore what's going on in front of you. And, you know, maybe you could even learn from at home. If that was happening in your house, you'd ask a question about it. So if it was a loved one in a home setting, You know, "What's going on here?" "I'm perceiving that you're behaving in this way." So don't be afraid to do that in the workplace. I can recount a specific example, actually, of where somebody asked me a really powerful question in the workplace. I was actually so pent up about something. I was crying in a meeting and I was mortified about it. And the other person said to me, "I can see that you feel really passionate about this." And, do you know what? I found that a really, really helpful reframe for me of what was going on. So I think that's something I would recommend to other people. Just to say that, "Look, I can see that you're feeling really strongly or passionate," whatever phraseology works for you. And then just say, you know, "What do you need to happen now?" So put the ownership in their court, you know, "Do you want a short break? Do you wanna go away and just have a walk around the block?" Give them a few options.

[David Morgan] I think with the best will in the world, having planned for a difficult conversation, it's still very important to be flexible in the process that you set out in handling the meeting because no two reactions are the same from the individual that you are meeting with. I think, with that in mind, I often would say to organizations it's important to leave some room for backtracking. So in the event that the meeting does not go well or does not go the way that the manager or the business had hoped, leave some room some, some wriggle room if you will, to move back from some of the more difficult messages.

[Bonnie Clark] Dealing with people is vitally important to be flexible. It's 100 percent about adapting your style to the audience. You've got to make sure that you're going to deal with an individual on the individual's basis. I'm not going to be a cookie cutter person and just say this is how I deal with this situation, and that situation, the following situation. It's got to be appropriate to that individual. So flexibility is important. I'm going to make sure that I understand the individual's situation, who they are, how they are, where they are in the organization. And, for me, I want to adapt my style so that the person in that situation is comfortable, so that I can get the best out of this conversation. © 2022 Mind Tools by Emerald Works Limited.